Dancing In The Sky
by ttfan111robstar1
Summary: On the ninety ninth anniversary of her son's death, Esme makes a pilgrimage to her son's grave. Usually she does it alone. Not this time. Inspired by the song of the same name by Dani And Lizzy.


The sky was gray in Columbus, Ohio. It was night, and through a few thin veils of clouds, occasional stars could be seen. The night was quiet, the streets no longer bustling with the heavy traffic of the daylight hours. There seemed to be stillness this night, one uncommon to a large city. It was as though time had chosen to suspend itself and freeze the silence of a simpler, quieter time to weave into the present. Lights in houses were turned off, street lamps burned brightly, and it seemed that everyone was in bed, because not a soul was walking the street. Few people would dare to venture out of their homes on nights like these that seemed to demand stillness and quiet. It would be like shattering glass to break the almost dreamlike quality of the evening.

Despite this, there were people walking the streets, but their steps were so lithe and quick that they seemed to be almost floating above the sidewalk rather than stepping onto it and breaking the spell of the night. A group of ten walked along the sidewalks, their movements so silent that they did not disturb a single rock upon the ground. All of them were hyperaware of the stillness of this night, and found it befitting. Where they were going demanded the utmost stillness and quiet. Silence itself, it seemed, would somehow be too loud.

Only one sound, hearable to only them, broke the quiet. The sound of rustling plastic against one arm. The plastic surrounded a bouquet of white lilies that left their scent in the air like a bitter perfume signaling sorrow as they were carried in the utmost solemnity down the street. The sorrow they invoked was what drew their carrier to them. She had wanted something beautiful, yet representative of grief, and the white lilies, with their perfume that seemed indicative of the shedding of tears, had been a perfect fit.

A low rumble of thunder shattered the quiet on the street like a baseball shattering a window. Any normal person would have jumped, startled by the sudden noise, but their group did not even flinch. All of them were too focused on the place they were going to be bothered by it.

Esme Cullen, matriarch of the Cullen Family, walked beside her husband Carlisle as they lead their family down the street. It was a route she'd taken so many times in her existence that she knew it by heart. It was she who cradled the bouquet in her arms, as though it were something that had to be protected at all costs. With where they were going today, her feelings were not all that out there.

The black wrought iron gate stood before them now, looming over them all with an impressive and towering height. The fencing sported rounded tips, so that none who might have tried to go over the fence would be harmed, but would at least not want to try coming in that way again. The gate posed no issue for her family. Any of them could have leapt over in less than half of a second without any issue, and, should any of them have gotten stuck on it at all, it would have been the gate that would have suffered.

The fence, however, would not pose an issue. Esme had called weeks ago and offered an exorbitant amount of money for the gate to be opened solely for her family today. It was not often that she was able to come here on such an important day, and she'd wanted to be certain she could do this the way any human would. The black gate was open, squeaking slightly from a gust of breeze, and welcomed her to the Historical Memorial Cemetery.

Coming here reminded her of coming home not long ago, when all of their family had been under the death penalty from the Volturi. The cemetery gave her the same sense that entering her home had then- a knowing that it was, in fact, her home, and that she belonged there, but with a sense of sorrow hanging thickly in the air above her head. That strange combination of security and sadness would be one she would never be able to find anywhere else but here.

Herself and Carlisle went through first, followed by Alice and Jasper, Rosalie and Emmett, Edward and Bella, and finally Renesmee and Jacob. The normally loud and booming voices of Emmett and Jacob had even been silenced today, knowing the reason for their visit. Though Jacob was not officially part of their family yet, he had wanted to come on this pilgrimage if only to stay with Renesmee, the object of his affections and his imprintee. The rest of her family had all come as moral support, a shoulder to lean on, should she need it.

It felt strange to Esme to have her entire family with her for this visit. Though she'd walked this path many times throughout her life, it was one she'd always walked alone. There had only been one time that she had not done so. It was just after she was changed. Carlisle had come with her that time, both to guard against her newborn thirst, and to comfort her as she said goodbye to the son she had laid to rest there in light of their small family moving to a new place.

To come back here, nearly a century later, was a surreal feeling. To come back with her family was even more odd. At the time of her turning, she had been told she could not have children. Now she had five through adoption, plus a daughter-in-law and a granddaughter that no one thought could have been possible. Her family enjoyed defying the odds, and she enjoyed that about them. When she had left this place for the first time she hadn't had any idea of what would become of her life, how her existence in this time would flourish, and though she was grateful for all of it, and wouldn't trade her family for anything, there was still a void inside her that nobody could fill, the place that still belonged to her son.

The emptiness inside of her seemed to suck up everything else she could have been feeling at that point. It seemed to grow with every step she took, leaving numbness in it's wake. The familiar path usually brought her a mix of sorrow and happiness. Happiness because she was close to her son, and sadness because she had never imagined her baby dying in order to be here.

The steps she took brought with them a whirlwind of memories and feelings, and try as she might, she did not have the strength to fight them, even to spare her sons the onslaught of emotions. Memories came by at a hundred miles per hour, racing through her mind and bringing a changing in emotions with each one. The memory of first figuring out she was expecting brought her happiness and fear in equal parts. She remembered her fear for her child, growing up in an abusive home. Her determination to get her baby out of there was so powerful, and she'd managed it. She remembered her gut-wrenching fear the day she'd escaped from Charles, how she'd never stopped looking over her shoulder until she'd gotten safely to her cousin's in Milwaukee. She recalled her panic when she'd found out Charles was coming for her, and her haphazard packing of her things as she fled again to Ashland. And then, the beautiful moments- Feeling her baby kick for the first time, and singing to him as he moved inside of her. The agony of her labor, and her fear of doing it alone, all culminating in the epitome of her human memories- holding her son for the first time.

She would never forget his face. Not as long as she was alive. His skin, the texture of velvet, the color of milk, and his cheeks- rose petals against it. His tiny head covered in a fine downy blonde hair, and his fist the size of a grape. Yet when he wrapped his hand around her finger and squeezed it, he seemed the strongest child she'd ever known. Hearing his cry had pierced her soul and flooded her with more love than she could have imagined could fit inside of her. He was the most beautiful boy, inside and out.

A black cloud seemed to settle over her as she remembered the darkest parts of that time. The doctor telling her her son had lung fever, that he likely wouldn't make it. Her terror. Her begging and pleading with God to save him. The last time she held him, and all the sorrow and regret that she couldn't have more time with him, that feeling that she'd somehow failed him because he'd passed away with only two days of life to show for it. And then, the moment when all went quiet- when his coughing stopped as suddenly as it had begun, and he was still. She'd held him so long after that he'd gone cold in her arms. The feeling that her life was over, and she had nothing to live for, and jumping off of the cliff.

Her steps had begun to slow. The memories had all been gotten through in time for her arrival at his grave. Carlisle had stopped a little bit ago, leaving her to go and have a few moments alone with her baby. He knew she needed it. Those last few steps were the hardest to take and somehow the easiest as well. It seemed so perfectly natural to take those last steps to be with her baby again, and yet it was so difficult because of the reminder it gave her that she would never have the chance to have that chance again to have children that were biologically her own.

It took every ounce of courage she had to take that last step, to be met again with her child's headstone. Always when the sight hit her for the first time it would be like a physical blow to her emotions, with grief hitting her so hard she could barely remain standing. This always worked out, however, because she always knelt down to talk to him anyways. She laid the lilies down on top of the grass, and then knelt down, uncaring that her black wrap dress might get stained by the dewy grass and dirt beneath it. Though she thought Alice probably would, her daughter was smart enough not to say anything about it.

She ran her hand down the stone, once so smooth, that was beginning to grow rougher with the passage of years, and read the inscription on it.

_Anthony Robert Evenson_

_July 7, 1921 - July 9, 1921_

_Beloved Son, Little Angel_

_"Truly, I say to you, unless you turn and become like children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven."_

The words were etched into her mind and heart as much as her own name. She didn't have to look at them to know what they said, but she did anyways, because to do so was to acknowledge that he was there. She touched the etching of his name, tracing the inscription with her fingers.

"Hi sweet boy." Her voice was so soft it almost didn't come out. "Mommy missed you."

She leaned forward and rested her head against the cool stone, the rougher texture never bothering her. It was her tradition when she came here to rest her forehead against his gravestone, harkening back to the memory of when she'd first held him and pressed her forehead to his. She held that position for a long time, feeling that sense of connection to him that she got from being here come in much stronger than normal. Perhaps it was because she was at his actual gravesite instead of a replica, or perhaps it was the presence of the rest of her family, but she felt particularly connected to him on this visit.

Her longing to hold him was so intense that Jasper found himself pressing Alice close to him to try and get release from the feeling his mother was having. Edward, in a similar fashion, pulled his wife to him, hearing the torment in her thoughts.

All of them were silent, still, all except for Renesmee, who was curious as to what was going on. Momma and Daddy had told her they were going on a special trip for Grandma today, but she hadn't been told why. Having been told Jacob was coming had been enough for her to be satisfied. Now, however, she wondered. She tugged on Jacob's arm, and he looked down at her, the question of what she wanted in his eyes. She reached up to touch his face, showing him grandma leaning her head against the headstone, a questioning feeling attached to it.

Jacob, in response, leaned down and whispered to her, "Ask your parents, Ness."

Bella and Edward, of course having been able to hear him, turned to their daughter. Edward, having seen what Renessmee had showed Jacob, answered her straight away.

"Come with me, love. We'll talk about it." He promised.

Curious, she followed him.

They made their way to a granite bench near the gate. When Edward sat, Renesmee automatically hopped up into his lap. He wrapped his arms around his daughter, trying to think of the right words to say to her.

"You know that Vampires are created, not born like you are. That we're made by other vampires and bitten while we're still human." He began. At her nod, he continued. "And you know that vampires are frozen at the age they were turned, no matter when that was." She nodded again. "Well, when grandma was human, she was married to a very mean person. He wasn't anything like grandpa. And when she was human, she found out that she was going to have a baby, like Momma found out she was having you."

Renesmee cocked her head to one side, an image of a baby she'd seen in Forks in her head. Edward nodded. "Yes, like that. And grandma ran away from from her husband because she wanted her baby to grow up safely. And when the baby was born, he was sick." An image of Grandpa Charlie with a cold flashed through her mind, and he nodded. "It was like that, yes. But because he was so little and so new to the world, he couldn't get better. He died two days after he was born."

Renesmee's eyes widened a bit at the new information, as she listened to Daddy continue. "Grandma wanted to be with her baby, so she tried to die too, but it didn't work. She was still alive when Grandpa found her. He changed her, and that's why she's still here with us today."

"Grandma's baby died?" She asked aloud in her high soprano voice.

"Yes, Nessie. And that's why we all came here today. Because today, ninety nine years ago, is the day that happened. Grandma wanted to come here to spend time with him and let him know she remembers him, and hasn't forgotten him."

"Why would she forget?"

"She can't. But sometimes she worries that she's replacing him because she has all of us. Sometimes she needs to tell him that she remembers so she can feel better."

Renesmee considered this a moment. "Does it hurt?"

"Does what hurt?"

"Dying."

"Well, I think it depends on how you die. Some people die in their sleep so they don't feel anything, others are sick for a long time and in a lot of pain. Sometimes people fall and die that way. It just depends."

"Did Grandma's baby hurt when he died?"

Edward pursed his lips at that. "I don't know. I hope not."

Renesmee frowned at that. "Do all humans die?"

"Unless they're a wolf like Jacob or get turned into vampires like Momma and I, then yes. Death is a part of human life. They know it's coming, they just don't know when it will happen. But it usually doesn't happen until they're very old."

"How old?"

"Usually in their seventies to eighties. Some humans can even live into their nineties or even last a whole century."

"So grandma's baby would probably not be alive now if he lived?"

"I don't know, Nessie. Anything can happen to anyone at any point in their life to change them. I would have died at seventeen if grandpa hadn't found me. Nobody knows what will happen to them in their life. Even Aunt Alice doesn't always know, because she can see many possible futures at once."

Renesmee considered this. "Grandma won't see her baby again, will she?"

"No. I'm afraid once something is truly lost one can never get it back again." He said softly.

Renesmee nodded her understanding. She understood, at least, that death was permanent.

Edward pulled her close for a gentle hug. "Do you understand now why this is so important to Grandma?"

Renesmee nodded. "Can we help her feel better?"

"I'm not sure. But if you like you can try when Grandma finishes her alone time with her baby."

Renesmee nodded, a determined look on her face. "I want to, Daddy. I don't like when Grandma's sad."

"Neither do I, sweetheart. Neither do I."

They stayed like that a moment or two, just enjoying each other's close proximity. Edward couldn't help but wonder what he would feel if it was he who lost his daughter. He couldn't even bring himself to think about it. The idea of his own death, either by the Volturi or by some other hands didn't frighten him nearly as much as the idea of losing his daughter.

Edward gave her a kiss. "Ready to go back?"

Renesmee nodded, hopping off of his lap. They held hands on the walk back.

Jacob had been watching closely the entire time, making sure his imprintee was within his sight, and felt relieved when she returned to his side. She reached a hand to him, and he took it on reflex. Bella did the same with Edward.

Edward and Renesmee's conversation had taken approximately five minutes. In that short blip of time, Esme had pulled her head off of her son's gravestone, and spoken to him.

"It's been a very long time since I've seen you here, sweetheart." She'd said softly. "I'm sorry I haven't been to see you in so long. It's been a very eventful year for our family. You got a niece this year. Can you believe that? I sure couldn't when your brother told me. But she's a wonderful addition to the family. She came with me today, actually. So did your brothers and sisters." She said, a soft smile gracing her features for the first time since she entered the graveyard. It dimmed as quickly as it arrived. "I've missed you very much. It's been too long since I've come to see you. But I didn't forget. I _couldn't_ forget you after all that's happened this year. There was a period when I thought I might get to see you again. As happy as I would have been to see you, I would have missed your brothers and sisters very much. It wouldn't have been complete then. It's still not complete now, without you here."

Silence came over her a moment, and she struggled to keep her composure. "I think about you all of the time. I wonder what you would be like. I like to think you'd be a mix of all of your brothers. You'd love music like Edward, you'd be very empathetic like Jasper, and you'd be playful like Emmett. And of course there would be things special about you too. I used to hope that you would love to read, so I could read you stories every night. I hoped that you would love school, so that I could teach you someday. There were so many things I wanted to teach you. I wanted to teach you how to read, how to ride a bike, how to be a gentleman. I wanted to teach you what it meant to be a good person, and what was really important in life. Giving to others. But even though you're gone, you gave me something. Because of you I got the chance to be a Mommy to your brothers and sisters. I've never wasted one moment with them, because I know how short life can be- even an eternal one. You taught me that. Even after all this time, you're still teaching me."

The air she sucked down her throat came out in a sort of gasp and sob. "I miss you so much every day, and I don't know why you were taken from me. I'll never understand why you had to die so that I could live. It's not supposed to be that way. Mothers aren't supposed to outlive their babies. But I did. And even though now I know why, it doesn't make it any better. Because I still have this emptiness inside of me where you are, and no matter what I try to fill it with, it never goes away. I know I can't fill it with things, but I hoped that maybe I would feel less empty if I filled it with giving to others. But no matter how hard I try, it's just not enough. It will never be enough."

She was hyperventilating now, sobbing and gasping. There was no way to articulate the intense pain burning inside of her, no words to communicate the level of grief she felt tearing her apart. It all manifested into one heart-wrenching shriek that was blocked by a clap of thunder- unheard to humans, but heard by every member of her family. At that moment, rain began to fall, sprinkling the earth, and she looked up, a raindrop splashing on her face and running down her cheek. Heaven was crying her tears for her.

She was so distracted by the rain that she almost didn't notice Carlisle coming up to her, until she caught his scent in a gust of wind just in time for him to wrap his arms around her. She slumped into him, body still shaking with sobs of such force that her children could feel them from where they stood. He simply held her. He knew there were no words he could say to make her feel better. No words could ever lift the burden of her grief, and he knew that, so he hoped simply giving her the knowledge that she wasn't alone would take some invisible burden from her shoulders.

It helped. Smelling his scent always had a calming effect on her, and it helped to get her sobs under control. It did nothing for the grief she still held inside of her that was pulling her down, trying to bend her like a palm tree in a hurricane, but somehow she felt curiously lighter. It took her a sixty-fourth of a second to realize why. Because this was a burden she usually carried alone. But not this time. This time, her family was there, all supporting her, all loving her, even after all this time.

Carlisle kissed his wife on the head, and she relaxed against him, completely slack. It was in that instant that he realized how much the events of the past year had taken a toll on her. He hadn't felt her relax this way since Bella and Edward had gone on their honeymoon. Had she really been this tense all this time? How had he not noticed? Silently, he kicked himself for that.

The rest of their family was a bit torn on what to do. On the one hand, they all wanted to comfort her, on the other, they feared interrupting her grieving process. In the end, comfort won out in their internal debates, as all of them headed over to where Esme and Carlisle were. All of them made physical contact with her in some way. Renesmee scrambled easily into her lap, with Bella and Edward both Touching her right arm. Jasper and Emmett each touched one of her shoulders, while Rosalie and Alice were touching her left arm. Jacob, who had transformed while they were going over to Esme, where he laid down on the grass by Esme and Renesmee, not necessarily touching them, but protecting them all the same.

There was a period of silence after that. The thunder did not rumble again, and the rain stopped as suddenly as it began. It felt as though the earlier silence of the night had formed a snow globe around their family, keeping their conversations insulated from the rest of the world. Nobody outside of them seemed to exist.

It was Renesmee who broke the silence that had wrapped around them all like a thick blanket.

"Grandma?"

Esme looked down at her granddaughter, Carlisle helping to lift her up to sit upright again. "Yes, Nessie?"

"What was he like?" She asked.

She smiled, the faintest ghost of a smile gracing her face. She was hard-pressed to remember the last time- or any time, really, that her children had asked that question. She pulled her granddaughter close to her, stroking her long ebony curls. "He was so beautiful. The most beautiful baby I had ever seen. He was paler, with rosy cheeks like you have. His hair was so blonde it was almost white. I only saw his eyes once, but they were a beautiful blue. He was perfect. One of the few memories I can remember perfectly is the first time I held him. For the first time in my life, I understood the reason I was born. It was to take care of him, and to keep him safe. He was so tiny, but it felt like my arms were meant to hold him.

The doctor put him in my arms, and he was still crying, but when I put him on my chest, he stopped. I went to move his blanket to cover his arm and he reached his little hand out from underneath it and held my finger as tight as he could. He seemed so strong already. I leaned down and I pressed my forehead to his, before I gave him a kiss. I had never felt more at home or at peace with myself than I did at that moment. I was so happy that I cried. He was smart, too. When I said his name, he looked up at me. I used to talk to him all through my pregnancy, so I think he knew his name, and he knew who I was too. He used to kick me all the time when I was pregnant, whenever I sang to him or read to him. Even just talking to him. He was such an active baby. Even though I had lost so much at that time in my life, it was suddenly all worth it when I got to hold him. As long as I had him, I had everything."

Her voice was reverential when speaking to him, and would always be that way.

"Do you think he's still out there?" She asked quietly.

Esme smiled at that, and kissed her granddaughter's head. "I do." She said softly. "I think when he died the angels took him up to heaven and put him in God's arms. I think up there, he's doing everything I hoped he would get to do. He's singing with the angel's choir, and he's buzzing around on tiny wings, helping other babies feel better when they miss their Mommies, and dancing on the clouds. Sometimes when I go out on the sun and it hits my face I think it's him trying to tell me that he's okay. But I see a bit of him everywhere I go, what I think he would be like."

"What do you think he'd be like?" The question came from Emmett, who sounded intrigued.

Esme smiled, looking at him. "Well, he'd be as playful as you are for starters." She said.

Emmett gave a triumphant grin at that. "We'd wrestle every day!" He laughed.

She turned to Jasper. "And I like to think he'd be very sensitive like you, Jasper."

Jasper smiled at that, squeezing her shoulder a bit. "Thank you."

She looked to Edward next. "And I already know how he loved music like you, Edward."

Edward smiled softly. "I probably would have had a bit of competition at the piano that way."

She looked to Rosalie. "I think he'd be beautiful inside and out like you are, Rosalie."

Rosalie beamed at her. "Of course he would. He has you for a mother."

She looked to Alice. "And of course he'd have to have good style like you, Alice."

Alice glowed at that. "Of course he would. No brother of mine would go out with last season clothes."

She looked over at Bella. "And he'd love to read like you do, Bella."

Bella squeezed her softly. "I'd read with him anytime."

She looked down to her granddaughter. "And I think he'd be as curious as you are." She said, tickling her granddaughter enough to make her giggle.

"Life's no fun if you don't ask questions!" She said.

She looked to the wolf that lay near her feet. "And I'd like to think he'd be as protective as you are, Jacob."

Jacob perked his ears up at the mention of his name, and softly nudged her as a way of thanks.

Esme looked up at her husband. "And he would have your compassion, and beautiful soul."

Carlisle kissed her lips. "And he would have your heart."

She smiled at that. "He'd be the best of all of you. And I'd like to think that there's a little bit of him inside of each of you too, because you all love one another so much." She said softly.

"Of course there's a little bit in all of us, Esme." Edward said, and she looked at him. A smile graced his features. "It's what made us love you as our mother."

The joy that burst inside of her was so fierce it rendered her speechless, but not motionless as she drew her family in for a group hug. As she held them all in a warm embrace, she heard- or thought she did- a baby laughing. She looked up at the moon, and mouthed the words "Thank You", certain her son could hear it.

She did not know why he was taken from her so soon, but she knew that he gave her the gift of being able to be a mother to her children now, and that was a blessing.


End file.
